It would’ve been my 7 year anniversary of being with my former mate. Last year, this time, though we were still together, something really changed in me. I can’t say exactly what it was, but I have the distinct memory of thinking “I’m going to commit to this blog thing and see where it takes me”.
And I did.
I haven’t been 100% consistent…hellz no, not at all.
But I’ve tried… I’ve challenged myself…I’ve connected to some of you…I figured some things out…
I figured that things I couldn’t blog about I probably shouldn’t be about.
I mean at my deepest. I’m a writer. Since I was a tiny one, with neon colored Lisa Frank notebooks, I’ve written and written and written.
The other thing about me…I LOVE sharing my shit! I laugh at myself and share my struggles and insights and I’m rarely embarrassed or ashamed. That is my nature…I mean, I never felt like my life was private. I always felt that it was public. I always felt the buzz of the internet, long before I knew what it was. (universal consciousness and all) I also felt the buzz of the ancestars and have felt a connection to the future as well, as if I have always been living for them… I’m going back to that Aniweda Dream ya’ll…the one I met in childhood. I guess you could call it TRIBE.
I’m one of those introverted people written about at the http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts. I need to talk to people about real shit, and share scars and wounds and ecstatic goofiness and geekiness as well. I need to feel deeply accepted and trusted. I like to connect deeply…too deeply for lots of people. I’m intense I’ve been told.
Anyway, time has been a thread for me…I never felt like “old people” were old, or the turn of the century was a long time ago, or a disconnect from the beginning of time. What I’m trying to explain is that I’ve never felt like anything ends, everything is a part of the same story. That’s why I can’t check those cute little boxes on government forms. I am…I am…I am…
Me. And when these little questions started popping up for me, about what I could write about…which parts of me I couldn’t share, I started wondering if maybe these parts of me, weren’t. To quote J.Lo(;)) “I’m Real”… and I was connecting myself with beliefs and conditions that were false.
There’s a reason that catch-phrase persisted. It is all too easy to attach to, claim and blend into the falsehood. It could be because of persuasion, trauma, embarrassment, confusion, loneliness, even excitement. It could be something that slowly sank into you or something that you spontaneously swerved into. It could be something you can’t pinpoint, haven’t even noticed, can’t escape or don’t dare to acknowledge.
I don’t know what it is(or was) for you. But I can practically guarantee everyone will or has (and probably at many points) head in a direction of being who they are not. For me it was a bipolar tug-of-war. I was constantly pulling myself out of the pit, building myself back up and carrying on, only to be pulled back in, over and over again. Finally, I realized I needed to untie myself from the ropes.
This blog helped me to do that. Not with the things I published, not really even with my famous backlog of drafts. It was in the things that I struggled to even write, that I struggled to even wrap my head around how to write or if I could. These things gave me the impetus to write what I could, make connections, learn from other bloggers, and commit to me, the real me.
I am grateful for all the readers, bloggers, businesses and supporters who helped me stick with this, and finally define my vision. I had a dream, when I first started this blog. But when I started this blog, that vision was a barely flickering flame lit in a closet that I was afraid to open. I knew it was a part of me, I knew it was my soul in there, but so much death in my life was fearing me away from it, telling me I couldn’t have it, telling me to be someone else. But I gave hope to that vision, I protected it’s source, I fed that flame, and it has grown into a blazing inferno,
just like it was when I lived it many years ago. But now… it is ALL MINE! (mwahahaha) To have and to hold and to never lose sight of again.
That’s what community and commitment are for. Setting up that foundation for reality to expand and still fit in where it started. (Don’t forget where you came from, ya’ll. It’s your key to getting back to you. Your heart…your real home.)
My partner’s grandmother said something to me before I left. Okay she said a lot of things and I have an awesome draft about it, that I’ll publish someday, but she said “I felt the same way about my first love.” It dawned on me…damn. I never thought of it as my first love. It was intense and I thought it was forever, but now I see why I needed those years to know my capacity to love. Now I know.
How did your first romantic love teach you about yourself? I’m mad curious, yo. 😉