I’ve been very close to losing my faith in humanity. Not all of humanity, just most… In general, I’m not really that kind of person, I’m usually positive, loving and see the good in everyone or almost everyone. And it’s not that I’ve been sitting around going ‘”everyone sucks”… It’s been more of an “no one can keep up with me, no one cares like I care, no one likes me for me…” kind of thing. I don’t know where this horrible need for approval comes from but, I need to fix this issue badly. I get attached to people easily.
I’ve always been the kind of person who considers the well-being of everyone at all times. I think I have given too much of myself to people and really asked nothing in return, hoping that I would be loved without having to ask for it… I guess I really need to learn to love myself more and allow other people to see me, rather than fixing all the problems for everyone and treating everyone as a project…I’m loyal to a fault and usually never stop caring about anyone, no matter what they may have done to me.
I’ve been at a loss on how to go about adapting to my current living arrangement. I have a lot of family here but I really have no friends and I haven’t felt very secure in my role in my family either. I always felt very stifled by my family. I’ve been struggling the past couple months to keep confident and hold onto my personal identity, until one fateful night this past week.
Well I am very blessed to belong to a web community of some of the most amazing people I’ve ever known. These people are dedicated to radical health and in one of my sleepless nights I found myself in the chat-room and had an impromptu astrology reading from an amazing soul who is also a Capricorn like me and totally understood me.
The first amazing thing relayed was that my “line” was inherited. As soon as that word came up, I immediately felt tingles go up my spine and thought of my Great-Grandfather…the tears started in at that point. I always felt a strong connection to him and no one ever confirmed a reason for me in my family. He was a Capricorn like me, but I felt it was something more.
The next part was about my spirituality. I have felt, all my life that I had a very deep connection to a spiritual power and guidance that I also couldn’t find confirmed anywhere around me. I asked my mom very tough questions as a child and her responses were disappointing. I knew that what I knew was coming to me from the source, but I wanted someone to confirm it for me.
I was told that I expressed ancient traditions and that I am more a product of my ancestry than any menial terms made up in the last couple centuries. I have always felt that as well. I grew up in the Southeast U.S. where people love to talk about and limit themselves based on race all.day.long. Every time I’m unlucky enough to hear the local news there’s some controversy based on “black vs. white” within 5 minutes…I’ve never been able to relate to the fear associated with race relations. I received an affirmation that I absolutely love “you are not a product of society, you’re a force of nature”.
I have often felt limited by societal constraints. I don’t fit very well into the neat little boxes you’re supposed to check off on forms without giving it a thought…I give all those boxes lots of thoughts. I think i shouldn’t have to check off boxes. Although I knew as a child that there was Native American ancestry in my family, I tried to hide my interest in it because no one around me seemed to care like I did. However, I had very intense dreams and a spiritual guide in my childhood that kept my beliefs intact.
When I became an adult I fully indulged in exploring all those ideas, practices, traditions that I felt very close to, but afraid of being judged on as a child. During this reading some of those traits that I consider related to this side of my spirituality were mentioned. I was particularly excited when it was mentioned that I’m a natural storyteller!
My relationship was the next topic on the menu. This is where things got juicy! I guess this topic was the catalyst for my ambivalence with my self anyway. All the whiplash I’ve felt leaving my relationship was wrapped up and healed in this conversation. Everything I’ve been trying to explain to myself and understand better came full circle and I felt so complete in my understanding. I was also told a little about the future of my romantic life, which I was sure would be nonexistent(back to my teenage way of thinking). I realize where I went wrong(not leaving sooner), why my relationship lasted so long(because of my loyalty), and why it wouldn’t have worked out(I was expected to do everything, to be the hunter), and why I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do while in that relationship.
I believed that was how relationships were…hard. I remember as a teenager telling myself that I was so open-minded I could love anyone, but I didn’t realize that no matter how many times someone says they love you, actions speak louder than words. Love is unconditional. I will never settle for less again. I do believe in love, and I believe that a man can love just as completely as a woman. I always thought all those gender standards were bullshit and now I’m happy to have those limiting views out of my earshot. I expect to find someone who loves me as much as I love them someday, and who loves himself and nurtures himself as well as
allowing encouraging me to love and nurture myself.
Next on the plate was my career. I knew at some point in my life that I have some pretty incredible ideas and I can be quite good at motivating people. I knew at some point that I’m very understanding and that I really should be a leader. Somehow I forgot those things…I became obsessed with anonymity and afraid of the responsibility. During this reading I was reminded of the times when I’ve had lots of people follow me but they were lazy and wanted me to do everything for them. I was reminded of the times I’ve taken jobs and corrected things that were not my job to correct, or when I couldn’t correct things because it wasn’t my job to do so and it made me crazy with restlessness to not be able to affect and change things I saw solutions to. It reminded me that I am really on the right path here and I just need to keep going with it…be confident, be brave and be a leader. I was also told that I would gain financial loyalty by feeding people good food and being kind to people when I had a chance…of course I’ll do that…I need to be kind to myself first.
Lastly the topic went to my kids. I won’t go too much into this one, but let’s say I was in tears again, and I was relieved at the same time. Going back my ancestry and my family, I come from very strong women, and now I have two little women in training. They are very much like me, I get to see how different they are, and how they react to each other, I get to protect them and encourage them. The reading reminded me and encouraged for me my path in unschooling my kids. It also toughened me up for the task of protecting them and protecting myself from harm, even that sneaky emotional/social turmoil that is ever-present in our society.
This beautiful reading brought tears to my eyes so many times I couldn’t possibly count it. It was also exactly what I needed at that moment. I am pulling myself together and moving forward with confidence. I am reading the notes I wrote from this reading every.damned.day… I am a changed woman, here’s to transformation and dreams come true…it’s time to finally live my dreams and I have no one to discourage me…goodbye baggage.
- Mercury Retrograde in Aries – March 12th, 2012 through early April 2012 (celestialspace.wordpress.com)
- Know your lucky fruit. Fruit astrology. (izitso.net)
- Astrology March 4, 2012: Venus Opposes Saturn (cosmiclifecoach.wordpress.com)
- Taurus Compatibility Having Zodiac Sign Capricorn (uclaislamicstudies.com)
- Getting to Know Self Through Astrology (pathwaytoascension.wordpress.com)