This week has been tough. I can’t even pinpoint why or how. At the end of the month we are usually low on money and this month was even worse than most months. I’ve been pretty dedicated to improving a lot of things in my life… my health, work/income/budget, my relationships, my home/lifestyle and my peace of mind. If you look at my blog topics you’ll see that is exactly what this blog is about. I’ve been really focused on achieving my goals and usually when things go through a transition there is a sense of grief that lurks behind your efforts. In general I welcome change, but I am slow to adapt unless it hits me like a freight-train… that’s why I kinda like trains… I like being in instinctive mode, intuitive mode…no time to think, gotta go, gotta do this mode. I think a lot of us are like that…I see people who are a lot more like that than I am, they usually like to take drugs of some sort.
Emotionally, spiritually, I love transformation, I like the challenge of it and I hold on tight and devour the velocity. That’s my style. I don’t like obstacles. I can be a very patient person, but when I’m bracing for the wind and something gets in the way, I’m left peering over the edge of my flow with a look you don’t want to see (I’m famous for my facial expressions!) I know there’s always a way over or around every obstacle, but while it’s there standing in my face, catching me off-guard it turns my mind back on… it gets me out of the zone and I start questioning things, too many things.
Luckily, I have mostly stopped questioning myself. I have maybe one question left that I haven’t yet gained peace about. Usually these situations end frighteningly, but lately they include an introspective, spaced out, reclining, maybe even a bit solitary existence for me, I find some way to reinspire me, some way to address that new block and I get back on the road to transition. This is amazing to me, because I remember the horrifying past.
I was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder many years ago (about 10 years ago). It included many episodes of me questioning things, questioning life, questioning myself. At some point I feel like we all have to and need to question the things we value, but obsessing over it is damaging to the mind. It creates a really bad tendency to overthink, to be indecisive, to have trouble trusting or understanding anything…the mind thinks itself out of existence. When you discover what the important things in your life mean to you, you no longer need to question them, you no longer need to question life or yourself. We don’t need to know everything. We don’t need the perfect answers or an obvious solution to take action…we don’t need scientific approval to be ourselves, we don’t need to judge ourselves by anyone’s standards.
We need to live authentic lives and discover who we are, what we believe in, what we want. We need to get to the bottom of these things and we need to be true to our desires in life and leave the rest behind us blowing in the wind.
For me, that meant not blogging much this week, not cleaning my house much this week, it meant reading Eric Maisel and Malidoma Some. It meant looking through my old journals and writing some creative pieces. It meant developing my intuition as a parent, playing more with my kids, it meant just allowing thoughts and questions to stream through my mind…it meant discovering where I am in that who I am, what I believe in, what I want mission and just being with that… there’s no obsession or questioning, there are no answers either… there’s just me.
I’m writing this for me, for a friend, and for many other people I’ve met in my life, who judge themselves too harshly, who obsess over their problems, limiting themselves from finding solutions, limiting themselves from seeing their truth and being happy with it. If you’re out there and you’re unsure of yourself, please stop and find a way to be confident in who you are right now. It’s not about what you’ve done or not done, it is about being authentic, brave, at peace with yourself. Allow yourself to reject constraints and get to know the side of you that is completely free from everything. It has meant the world to me.
The past 7+ years I’ve taken my mental health into my own hands and I will say things have gotten better and better, especially making sure my basic health requirements are met and staying away from all types of drugs, including marijuana, tobacco and caffeine. Life is definitely better without these things!
If you’re interested in more direct tips on this process, please send me a message or leave a comment. Likewise if you have any tips, suggestions or experiences you’d like to share.
- Choices (hilitehead.com)
- A Mindful Journey (livingwithablackdog.wordpress.com)
- How To Cry It Out (featheraniweda.wordpress.com)