Posts I Think You Oughtta Read, While I Prepare Something Awesome Just For You!

Hey there,

It’s been awhile right? I think I didn’t post anything at all last month…it’s been crazy, I’ve been getting clear, I’ll tell you all about it later.  In the meantime I’d like you to do a couple things for me.

1. Read these articles:  About the Nez Perce, About An Intentional Co-housing Community, Indigenous People, About Mourning, On Blogging,  Poetry and Art/Creativity, Spirituality Tips and Dreaming, Creating your life, Raw Vegan Nutrition, Natural Birth & Parenting, Alternative Economy/Minimalism/Lifestyle, Alternative Health/medicine

2. Let me know what you like about them…which you’d like to hear more about(or about the topics they represent)

3. Let me know what brought you to this blog…are you a long-time subscriber?  If so which blog(s) or topic(s) attracted you to this blog?  What do you want me to write more about?  Since I’m writing all over the place, my firs-born blog here hasn’t gotten as much attention, but there is still a place in my heart for the readers and community over here, as well as the topics and the posts I’ve done over the last couple years on this blog and I want to have this space to write about the special things that I don’t write about anywhere else, except in my journal and sometimes I revise them and get them published.

Anyway, I wanna make sure I write about the things that people came here to read…this blog is all about community to me.   So if you could let me know how interested you are in the topics I write about and read about, that’d be great!

 

~~Still Dreaming

 

Dear Me, Welcome Back

 

miscarriage

miscarriage (Photo credit: kouk)

 

I haven’t been this happy in a long time.  It is 1:05am and I have a headache…but I am very happy.

 

I had a miscarriage a couple days ago.  I was raped a couple months ago and so the miscarriage makes me happy.  Not only that, but my health was suffering due to the pregnancy and the inner turmoil and that stress has now been lifted.  I can now eat the way I want and have energy.  I don’t have the soreness I had a few days ago.

 

There’s more to this all of course.  There are more complex feelings layered below my mellow bliss and it’s not like I was jumping up for joy while miscarrying, but it’s just a matter of feeling refreshed and an opportunity now to create or recreate my world again…an opportunity to actually release the built up trauma, which I rarely had time to do while trying to survive and just eat enough each day, while pregnant.

 

 

But I do have a headache…probably partially because I have started eating the way I need to eat again and in my experience (having had ER level migraines in my teens) headaches are a type of symptom and cleansing tactic of the body, often related to food and environmental toxins…hormonal toxins can also be a part of it.

 

Anyway, now that I am feeling hopeful, efficient, productive, inspired and…me, again.

 

I will return this blog and write about the many things I need to write about, and read from the many bloggers I love to read from again.  But I just wanted to share the dream…that bliss is possible.  Revel in that feeling when it comes to you…sweet dreams.

 

Also, I’m starting an intro Bliss Path and Bliss Group e-course on my website, feel free to fill out the sign-up form towards the top of the page here and press subscribe.  Since trauma release is one of my major topics in my work and I am in need of releasing some trauma myself, it’s the perfect to build a little community to share in the techniques I’ve used for the last 10 years releasing the many traumas of my life.

~Still Dreaming

miscarriage ritual

miscarriage ritual (Photo credit: subvert.com)

 

 

 

The Aniweda Dream is Going Live?

 

Dear readers I am so sorry I have been so negligent.  I have so much to share with you all, but I have had a serious lack in computer participation.  I know many of you are thinking “hey, you said you were going to write about bipolar, dreams, RV living, and other-topic-promised to dear readers”.  I really do intend on getting to this.

 

English: Volkswagon bug RV

English: Volkswagon bug RV (Photo credit: Wikipedia) How could I not post this picture?!

 

 

 

In fact I have several unfinished drafts and perhaps a few that are finished except for the corresponding imagery.  You all know by now I am so bad at brevity.  I cannot just say, “hey guys, my computer hates me and I have too much going on to create these gigantic posts, so here is some coolness to tide you over”.  Some bloggers are great at tiny, little blog posts.  Just like some writers can create stories in just one paragraph.

 

 

 

I have always envied those types of writers.  However, that is not me.  I have to write something out as if it was a novel…then begin to condense and compartmentalize and edit it down for you all to read comfortably.

 

 

 

This habit of mine has changed my world from being a poet/creative writer, who does freelance writing on the side, to a blogger, who does freelance writing on the side, and always intends to get back to the poetry and stories waiting to be submitted somewhere.  For these reasons the Aniweda Dream is going live in more ways than one.  Live-action for one, as well as live chats and live-in-person.

 

 

 

I have also determined that I have at least one book waiting to be compiled in my dashboard and that will be coming to you all soon.  I promised to write about a particular topic and realized it just wants to be more than a blog post or even a series of posts.  So thank you all for continuing to read, despite my inactivity.  It has inspired me to keeping putting my stories together, and very soon, I’ll be sharing things I’ve wanted to share for a very long time.

 

 

 

As I clear things out of my drafts folder and put them into their rightful place, this blog will begin to look and feel a lot more like a dream.   And I’m going to make it official with a more appropriate domain name too.  So please stick around because I have really been working quite hard behind the scenes and I am near ready to really show off.

 

 

 

I have a question though, if you could help me out a bit.  I know I have been all over the place with this blog.  I started it when I was pregnant with my second daughter and got really into it talking about my health/nutrition experiences.  I’ve shared lots of different topics and explored many different looks, but this blog has always had a subtle purpose for me, and yet I am not sure how much I have touched on that for viewers to see.

 

 

 

If you could share with me what this blog represents to you…why do you read it?  What do you enjoy most about the posts?  What do you wish I’d write about more or less?  I know I have ventured and taken risks and made mistakes here, but I am now realizing how to reflect my intentions better with my writing and I’d love to hear back from you readers.

 

 

 

–Keep Dreaming

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How To Not Be Bipolar: An Emotional Response To Purity

Disclaimer: This is a long one.

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on can...

Vincent van Gogh, The Starry Night. Oil on canvas, 73×92 cm, 28¾×36¼ in. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve reached an amazing place in my 10+ year journey in bipolar re\covery.  I’ve discovered for myself some nuances and ideas related to wading in instability that has always eluded me before.

A few years ago, I remember distinctly claiming owning the fact that I knew when I was getting too deep, I just didn’t know how to stop it.   I believe my bipolar disorder has been a journey of steps, levels of learning that I’ve needed to go through.  It takes something amazing to get to the place of seeing that, and appreciating it, however.  I think that people with bipolar disorder actually have very enduring mental strength.   However that strength can be used to sustain moods and mental states that are unhealthy.  The fact is, though, that it takes a lot of mental effort to keep up such intensity, rather fast-cycles, slow or mixed…they require a lot of energy and passion.

This bipolar topic is huge, and I will have to come back to this very often, but for now, I want to talk about what I’ve discovered for myself around the idea of purity.   I used to feel a deep disdain for the world, it seemed like everything I knew was failing me, so I decided to become internet obsessed and find something to inspire me.  I remember this moment exactly, almost everything about it.   This decision to find something to inspire me saved me from a suicidal immersion.   I felt like the world was just so annoyingly shallow and destitute.  Hell, I still feel like that every now and then.

I wanted to feel that innocence, kindness, grace, acceptance, support and love, were undeniably encompassing.   I wanted to feel that there were truths and there was purpose, and there was hope and that it would be easy to know these things, to follow these things and to be these things.  I wanted to feel that there were answers to my questions, someone to answer them, somewhere to take those questions, an answer to all the worlds problems, because I couldn’t see any of them as separated.  I wanted to feel the light of divinity and feel that I was doing everything I could to reflect it.

Somehow, that led me to the hippie movement.  I know a lot of people view hippies as druggies, but my view was always the “peace and love” variety, as well as the colorful images, creativity and spiritual reverence of nature.   Since I was in elementary school I was fascinated with the hippie thing.  When we learned about it in history I was devising a way to bring that movement back.  not kidding.  However, at some point as I got older, it seemed unattainable, a thing of the past, and I moved on to looking and seeming “normal”.

At the age of 19 however, I couldn’t do normal any longer.  I wanted no part in it.  I decided that the only way I wanted to live was to live free of the constraints and judgements of normal, modern society and I found a cute little hippie website called hipforums  I swear I was up all night trying to figure out how I could live in this world and in this body and finally I found that website and felt it was possible.  (hipforums came way before the current hipster thing that I have no understanding of but have been occassionally called)

I decided with the help of internet friendships that I would go back to my childhood dreams and resurrect the sense of self, purpose, and goodness I once held on to.  I developed an appropriately bipolar relationship between purity and depravity.  Like I said, I really believe I had to go through these things to rewire my brain, and I believe bipolar disorder is actually the brain’s way of healing some already established mental short circuits(if you will go with me on that).  It just doesn’t look or feel that nice all the time, but natural healing doesn’t always feel that great…after all, for sickness to come out of the body, the body would need to feel that sickness or else it wouldn’t come out…it’d be stuck.

So, I started to purify my life.  I can actually look back and see I’d been doing this for awhile, but it took on a real sense of intention at this time.  I began to reject conventional wisdom on everything and develop new opinions and options for everything under the sun.  Things people rarely, if ever question, if they’re living “normal” lives.  I changed my goals and ideas, and coincidentally they reverted back to some of the seemingly unrealistic dreams of my childhood.  I changed the way I lived my life, who I associated with, how I addressed and presented myself, and I told no one.  It was mostly an internal and subtle thing.

Somehow in the middle of a University campus, I was there on the verge of a resurrection and I felt a constant conflict with my environment.  I felt like Che Guevara, except it was a completely personal thing.  What I was doing was for myself and no one else.  I’d never done anything for myself without considering others first.   So, I started to discover how it felt to be in unity with my ideas…to strive for the things I believed in, no matter how different they were.

It’s hard for me to say how I really felt about myself in relation to the outside world.  Internally, I was becoming really comfortable, but I didn’t feel quite ready to address most people.  I was attached to the hipforums and hiding from the judgement of “normal” society.  Somehow, this all became too easy.  It became habit after habit of feeling full of integrity, hope and radical passion.   Somewhere, my ego crawled out of the water and perched right on my shoulder, whispering in my ear.  This is where depravity comes in.

I haven’t really formulated this thought pattern yet.  I just know it exists.  I know there is purity and depravity and that I connected to both and they juxtaposed each other and we fought it out in the bipolar bubble.   I know that I came out on the other side unattached to either.  It is a miracle.  I remembering stumbling upon this benchmark about a year ago when I started this blog.  Or rather, I see it earlier than that, but I remember intentionally nourishing the flame.

We, as humans desire light.  We desire goodness.  We desire divinity, even if we don’t call it that or see it that way.  We desire the pure and the just and the nourishing.  Sometimes to know what that is, we have to force ourselves to see deeply or differently, or see at all, what we don’t want to see.  We have to grapple with what is all around us and decide how possible it is to be pure.  How important it is to experience that.

I love nature and I could comfortably live in the wilderness, off-the-grid in the right environment.  A few years ago I tried this and felt that I was living purely.  I renounced everything worldly and attempted to live on nothing and contribute nothing to the chaos of consumerism.   I don’t know if that’s really possible, but I couldn’t do it.  I got as close as I could at that time, though.  There was some frustration as to how difficult it was to get off of all the crutches that I associated with darkness.

I couldn’t live in a house, charge money for work, buy conventional produce, buy imported anything, drive a car, drink, smoke, wear unnatural fabrics, use disposable diapers, drink while eating, and the list goes on.  I was paralyzed by so many limitations.  It has taken me quite a while to start settling into a place of peace.  A place where I no longer fear something bad is going to happen because I’m not being pure enough.

I started to realize that I am a part of this world.  This world has its own list of parameters.  They are farther reaching than a lot of people think, but still they exist.  The parameters are things like:

  • roads, private property and barriers exist so you can’t go wherever you want to go, whenever you want to go there…
  • it takes effort to grow food and agriculture is the way of the world, so you have to pay for food or grow your own
  • many people have been hurt by strangers, so lots of people are untrusting and paranoid if they don’t know you

I’m sure you could think of better ones.  The point is that the world itself is not completely pure, so to be able to live in the world we have to be accepting of the complexity of our environment and culture.  It is not just duality, it is multifaceted.  To disconnect from a need for purity we have to see that the light is a border of the dark and that there are spaces of intensity and shade along the path where they connect.  For me, I had to learn to have compassion and understanding for everything I’ve been through and how that might look to others and realize the vision may have nothing to do with the reality.

Basically, I have to decide to listen to life, never judge myself or any other situation and always move rather than freeze in indecision.  This has allowed me to move at a pace of understanding that really suits me.  It has allowed me to fully experience each situation so I’m not moving onto the next level without full understanding of the last.  I believe this is so important because when we move on before we’re ready, we end up coming back to the same thing over and over again.  This can be extremely frustrating, of course.

So, I think the best way to look at purity is to look at it as an image inside a snow globe.  It looks nice in there, but how does it feel when its shaken?  (part 2 and possibly 3 are coming soon, do you have anything you’d like me to address?  let me know!)

~~To Dreams of Brilliant Clarity

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