Changing Our Everyday

Welcome to the March Mindful Mama Carnival: Mindful Mama Challenge

This post was written for inclusion in the Mindful Mama Carnival hosted by Becoming Crunchy and TouchstoneZ. This month our participants have challenges they’ve set for themselves toward becoming more mindful. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I am challenging myself this month to become more mindful of my environment and the way I live day to day. I know my kids and I have made a big adjustment moving to the other side of the country recently and I want to be sure there is a feeling of comfort and that we are living efficiently enough to achieve our goals. Mainly things are out of place in our lives right now. There is no continuity in anything. I’m probably exaggerating there, but I really want there to be more of a routine, more for my kids(and myself) to depend on.

Right now, we don’t really know any other kids. There are some kids in the neighborhood, but when we go outside they’re going inside or they’re just too old for my kids to play with. It would be nice to have playdates or attend some kind of play-oriented class or program at the library.
We’re also struggling with space in my mom’s house. Our closet is filled up with my mom’s things. I tried to store our thing in containers, but there’s nowhere to put them that the kids can’t reach, and when they reach them they make a mess of everything. I’m constantly changing where our things go and it is because I haven’t come up with a sustainable system.

On that same topic, we don’t really have any clothes for warm weather. My mom has a ton of clothes she is holding onto that she can’t wear and I think it would be great to try to recycle her clothing rather than buy new clothes for myself and my daughters. I have a great little sewing machine that I left here years ago, and maybe it would do me some good to express to my mom my ideas about minimalism and non-consumerist values, which are coming into play between her and my oldest daughter.

Which brings me to my next goal; entertainment for my kids really needs to change. My mom and aunt recently bought my 4 year old Barbie dolls. They come with these little sheets of paper that have pictures of several other dolls in that series and my daughter whines non-stop about the other dolls she wants.

I know that despite my goals of showing her what is really important in life and that she doesn’t need these things, her environment will have a big effect on how she really feels about it. I need to engage her in new, creative and adventurous things. I don’t want her to fasten onto the idea of buying stuff, I want her to learn to create and appreciate what she has.

I think that keeping a schedule of activities to do regularly, field trips and surprise activities, and free play will help a lot. I also think I need to organize their toys better and put them into sections. I need to limit her to playing with a few things at a time, and take toys away when they become a problem, bringing them out later after the novelty has died down.

Lastly I really want to make the most of my time. This is a temporary situation, living with my mom again. I want to get memorable and transformational moments out of this. I don’t want to be passive aggressive and upset that things aren’t going my way and my parenting philosophies aren’t being accepted. I need to set an example.

Instead of being upset that the TV is on all the time, I need to set up a fun activity, engage my mom with the things we have in common, like scrapbooking, and get us all in a space to create, support and get to know each other better. I need to allow my kids to feel comfort in their surroundings and I need to feel like this is my home too, however temporary it may be, I need to allow myself to enjoy it, I need to grow while I am here and not feel stunted due to the change in household.

I have already started on this challenge by talking to my mom and my daughter about having a more active, creative lifestyle and I’m currently setting several alarms a day to make sure we stay on track, meet our goals and have planned activities. I think I’m on a path to really transforming as a parent, not just in this situation, but for the long-term. The perceived limitations I face here are making me stronger, more appreciative and more organized.

 

***

Visit The Mindful Mama Homepage to find out how you can participate in the next Mindful Mama Carnival!

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #MindMaCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Mindful Mama Twitter List and Mindful Mama Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• The Importance of a Moment Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama reflects on the need to slow down and breathe in life instead of rushing from one moment to the next.
• Mindful Playing With My Daughters Rani at Om She Said looked at her girls and realized that more than anything they wanted her right there next to them, playing, laughing, creating, and having fun; that’s exactly what she did!
• Watch Your Words Patti at Canadian Unschooler challenges herself to make her words a reflection of her intentions.
• The Mindful Benefits of Knitting Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares how knitting has helped lift her out of depression and has given her a new form of meditation.
• Self Compassion: How Thinking About Bad Experiences Can Make You Happier and More Compassionate CJ at Imperfect Happiness challenges herself to be more compassionate…with herself.
• Calming the Home Environment by Selecting Traditional Toys Sam at Love Parenting discusses the benefits of natural toys.
• Quieting my Infernal Inner Ramblings Tree at Mom Grooves writes about her commitment to get out of her head and into the moment with her daughter and husband.
• Changing Our Everyday The Aniweda Dream is sizing up the changes they’ve made by moving across the country and looking at how to make their lives more mindful as a family.
• A Mindful Cup of Tea Amy at The Daily Muttering tells how she’s trying to regain control of her life with the chaos of 3 kids thanks to the introduction of a simple daily ritual.
• Mindful Mama Moontime Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares how becoming conscious of her moon time has helped her find balance in herself as a woman, and a mama.
• Speaking to the Need Shana at Tales of Minor Interest shares how she tries to stay mindful of her preschooler’s needs.
• Going Within Amy at Anktangle describes a centering practice she’s been being more intentional about lately, and which she has come to realize is a precious gift in her life.
• Waking Up With Meditation Amy at PresenceParents shares how awakening with presence carries her through the day.
• Mindful Meditations Zoie at TouchstoneZ explores six weeks of seated meditation and discovers some things she doesn’t expect.
• Mindfulness in the Kitchen – an Everyday Challenge Kelly at Becoming Crunchy shares how she’s been challenging herself to involve more mindfulness in everyday tasks – especially in the area of cooking for her family.

Emotional Abuse and Pop Culture Negligence

Abuse (Photo credit: Ex-InTransit)

 

February is National Teen Dating ViolenceAwareness and Prevention Month. 

Violence in relationships can be physical or emotional and it happens in a variety of different types of relationships.  What makes it even more difficult for teens is that little experience with relationships and the pop culture negligence can lead to confusion.  Even for adults it can be difficult for the abused to realize they are being abused.  This can be even more difficult with teens.  Casual relationships as well as very serious relationships in the teen years can be abusive.

These kinds of relationships can be very harmful to self-esteem, body image, mental health and can affect the whole life of the abused.  Abusers can also constantly struggle to experience fulfilling relationships and suffer from mental health issues.  These incidences can also be dangerous and it is very important to be aware of the signs and safety precautions.  It is important to acknowledge any issues with relationship violence head-on and as soon as possible, no matter how benign or over things might seem.  Although physical abuse is terrible, I’m focusing on emotional abuse because physical abuse is usually accompanied by emotional abuse, emotional abuse is more difficult to notice right away and I have personal experience with emotional abuse.

Image via Wikipedia

.  Chris Brown and Rihanna had a very public incident with domestic violence and now the two have collaborated on a song as if the whole thing never happened.  Did either of the two get the help they needed to recover from their abusive past?  Teens might think it’s possible to just forgive someone who has abused them and get back together because Chris Brown and Rihanna are okay.  Unfortunately abuse runs very, very deep.  Those who experience abuse in their childhood tend to either become abused or become abusers and unfortunately many, many people have experienced abuse in their childhoods, including neglect and abandonment and not having that in the past doesn’t prevent a person from experiencing it later in life.  It takes a concerted effort to really iron out the issues associated with domestic abuse.

Parents can also be emotionally abusive to their children.  Some children may take abandonment or neglect into themselves internally and cope with it by seeking abusive relationships or partners they can manipulate and control in response to their own perceived ways of participating in a loving relationship.  Oftentimes abusers have ideas of what the role of a man and woman are in a relationship that is unbalanced.  They believe there must be someone in control of the relationship and fill that role themselves.  This can lead to a number of surprising and confusing attitudes and activities.

Please check out www.thehotline.org and determine if your relationship is abusive or if someone you know might be in an abusive relationship.  Look into the ways of getting out or helping your friend or family with support.  This is important and it is very difficult to understand the reality in the face of careful manipulation.  For teens, families and relationships everywhere, we must stop this cycle of abuse in our culture.  A whopping 1 out of 3 high school relationships are abusive according to www.acadv.org  and similarly more than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report enduring repeated verbal abuse.

(Liz Claiborne Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited; February 2005.)

Domestic Violence (Photo credit: UMWomen)

What is the solution to this problem we have? 

I think creating healthy models of relationships is important.  Another important thing is to make all these facts and warnings known to teens and adults, male and female.  We also need to seriously, as a culture, stop denying the trauma we have faced and work on correcting and healing from them… When we recognize our issues and the mental health reality of ourselves, our loved ones and our culture, we should take the responsibility to give realistic standards and expectations for growth and stability.  Should people with abuse in their past work on those issues or follow the status quo and keep falling into false love relationships because it is “normal”?

We also have to look at celebrities as real people;  People with high-stress lives and honestly consider that to live their lifestyles most of them will either have to be very, very unbalanced, or very, very balanced.  It is not difficult to see where one stands if you’re looking beyond the glitz, glamour and commercialism and look at their actions, expression and the way they present themselves.  Now, should we allow these celebrities to be role models?  She we encourage our kids to look up to celebrities like royalty?  Should they get tons of money and lose their privacy and personal identities to satisfy some skewed view of an American Dream?

I think not… they should not be working if they are not well.  They should not work all year long, constantly in their role of “celebrity”.  We need to create a sustainable community in which creative people are not fueled by marketing machines and management.  Maybe then people will stop looking at the TV at all the train-wreck scandals and wonder why so many of our hometowns are becoming world news.  Let’s take care of our children…teach them the value of community and establish healing from crises and healthy relationship standards based on sustainability rather than vanity and Hollywood dreams.

–Still Dreaming For A Healthy Future

Read these for a different side of the story:

• Rihanna & Chris Brown Collaboration (masculinityu.wordpress.com)
• Did Rihanna Forgive Chris Brown? (myfoxphoenix.com)
• Everyone Needs To Stop Misdirecting Their Anger Over Cultural Misogyny At Rihanna (thegloss.com)

Fruit Parties…Oh My!

Image by jaredkuper via Flickr

 

 

I can’t believe I went to my first official fruit party this past Sunday and met with local 30badders for the first time!  

I brought persimmons to the party and I wore my heelys with the wheels on because I couldn’t find any other shoes in time…I really sucked at wearing those things and couldn’t wait to get my shoes off.  I tried durian for the first time and I played with a cute little baby while I was missing my two little ones.

For the most part I really liked the get-together but there were two things that bothered me.  One thing was that one of the guests was an information-addict, as I like to call it.  I’ve been there, I’ve done that and I try to avoid it as much as possible.  I spent much of the past 7 years learning, studying and working in the alternative health field and you can’t help but meet tons of people who spend all their time talking about health, especially in a fear-based way.  When you are new to this and even when you’ve been doing it for awhile, its amazing how much information is withheld, how information is presented to the general public, and how much people don’t think about or care to know about the things they do on a daily basis…like eating.

 

However, what I’ve learned is that everything is relative in the health world… and there’s a much better approach to it than preaching what you know or what you think you know.  All I can do is be grateful that I am no longer the preacher.  The other thing that bothered me is that there was a woman there who was wanting to wean her 10 month old.  As a breastfeeding counselor this is my territory, but I didn’t want to be a preacher or pry too much, and this was a party.  I saw her trying not to feed him though he tried to nurse many, many times.  I totally understand, but I wish I could’ve connected with her more and offered her support to nurse her son, but there was that one information addict in the room that wouldn’t stop talking! (j/k)

 

For one thing I remember the discomfort I had with my first daughter about nursing in public, but I quickly infused myself with self-confidence and advocated for myself…in very uncomfortable circumstances I would have gone to the bathroom.  I felt a little discomfort in the babies energy and it was difficult for me to ignore it.  I have this special thing with kids… I can always feel their energy and sometimes it makes me want to back away from them in circumstances where it can cause problems.  You can’t just go around telling parents how their kids feel… I got into a fair share of chaos due to talking too much many, many years ago.

 

Coincidentally, the fruit parties in my house have been super exciting lately. Its kinda a tradition I started last year with my 10 y.o. sister-in-law and my 4-year-old daughter and I eating fruit before bed and just being super silly with it… making the peels into playthings, making silly faces.  Especially oranges and their peels make the perfect toys… who needs plastic when you can play with organic matter?

 

My sister-in-law lives in San Diego and we haven’t seen her since her birthday in August, but I miss those little parties so much… well, now I have two fruit eaters of my own, my 4-year-old ate nothing but fruit today, she’s an inspiration to me. My 1 y.o. is also a serious fruit-eating monster. She’s been eating so much fruit lately, I’ve actually had a hard time getting enough myself. I’ve been adopting the habit of trying to load up while she’s asleep because she’s super-demanding of my attention or assistance when she’s fruiting it up.

 

It’s funny too, because I remember what it was like when my 4-year-old was this age. At that time I was a high-fat-raw-vegan running a cooked vegan restaurant and implementing a raw menu there. I was under the impression that anytime we ate fruit it needed to be accompanied with something really fat. Luckily for my daughter though, I fed her pretty simply. I really didn’t feed her anything besides avocado, cucumber and mango(and of course mama’s milk). Her dad liked to feed her goji berries and blue-green algae. They were actually staples for us at the time.

 

Image via Wikipedia

At this age though, kids will get into whatever is around. I remember one day finding her chewing something she picked up off the floor and it was raw garlic! We ate a lot of raw garlic at that time, thinking we needed to cleanse constantly and my husband actually chose garlic over his job as a yoga teacher because a student complained about the scent of garlic on him and the director asked him to either stop consuming garlic or stop teaching there. At the time it felt like the strangest irony to us. We thought garlic was a superfood and it kept us healthy…how could we live without garlic? lol.

 

Image via Wikipedia

We cooked with it at the restaurant too…but the funniest thing about it is how new eaters are with food. Its just an experiment for them. When we drank our raw garlic juices we would cringe, squish our faces, smack our lips, basically we’d freak out. It was like drinking a shot of strong vodka… or worse. But our little 1-year-old yogi princess nonchalantly chewed and contemplated the point of the garlic in her mouth…then she spit it out, but she would turn her head or run away from me if I tried to get it out for her…I loved witnessing things like that.

 

With our 1-year-old Sol-star, there is no garlic to be had. Recently she wants me to feed her persimmon… I can’t believe how amazing she is of always giving me the seeds in her food or just leaving the seed or pit behind and the skin… my 4-year-old still has issues with this. Tonight we were eating persimmons and I gave her a piece that was a little firm without knowing it. She held it in her mouth for a while then spit it out. I thought she just dropped it so I tried to give it back to her. She wouldn’t have it. She turned her head, shook ‘no’ at me and finally I tricked her and threw it into her mouth(bad mommy)…she simply spit it out.

I thought maybe she was full, except that she did the sign for ‘mas’ and made her little ‘asking nicely’ noises that she mimics from her sister. I scooped out another spoonful for her and unknowingly offered her another firm piece. She tasted it and spit it out. I decided to eat it and realized what the problem was.

 

The next spoonful I tried to give her was slurped down so fast I couldn’t believe it. She obviously knows exactly what she wants!

Image via Wikipedia

Currently my 4-year-old is loving grapefruit, oranges, tangerines and persimmons. She constantly asks for bananas but our bananas are not ripe at the moment. She also loves cucumbers, tomatoes, apples, spinach, carrots, celery. Surprisingly she’s taking a hiatus from dates and never wants them when offered, but she’ll slurp down datorade. I think its because I moved them out of her reach. Its usually the kind of food she likes to just eat by herself on a whim.

 

When I went to the official fruit party Papa bear gave both girls bread and crackers and gave our little yogi princess bean sandwiches. She kinda got a little addicted to them and ate several sandwiches alongside her fruit the next day, then decided she didn’t want to eat them anymore because they “make stinky farts come”, lol.

 

My 1-year-old loves persimmons, plums, avocados, cucumbers and bananas. She also loves to stuff my face with oranges. I’ll have to remember to eat oranges more often so she can feed me instead of me always feeding her because when I feed her she doesn’t want to share! The only things I really have to feed her are persimmons and avos though, she can handle the rest herself.

 

As for me, I’m loving datorades, persimmons and if our bananas were ripe I’d be eating those too. I didn’t get very many oranges at the market this past weekend, but I will change that this weekend because the ripe ones are stupendous! (can’t believe I just used that word) I’ve also been craving salads and I have everything to make them with but I’ve just been eating plain lettuce.

I’ve also been eating sandwiches because I’ve been trying to make quick meals that pack in the calories while my Sol-star is asleep. I think it is also because I feel under pressure to rush and I haven’t planned out my meals, but I’m much more prepared for tomorrow…so I should be sandwich free and chopping up lots of fruits, veggies and spiralizing and blending for a better day…

Image via Wikipedia

More fruit parties to come, official and unofficial.

–Still Dreaming

 

Related articles

 

• Health/Nutrition Journal & My 11-Week Plan To World Domination(j/k, sorta) (featheraniweda.wordpress.com)
• Life As We Know It (featheraniweda.wordpress.com)
• Asian Fruits: Free Trips for your Tastebuds (asiahotels.com)
• How My Meal Plans Have Been Working For Me (featheraniweda.wordpress.com)

Domestic Burn-Out

Image via Wikipedia

There’s this great little tradition in my relationship that I really want to reinvent, but I really think I’m going to need some outside help.

When we started our relationship I was 21 and I had just spent several months indulging in personal privacy.  I had 3 room-mates, and shared a bathroom with one, but she was almost never there.  I was in college and having a hard time with the social pressure and just really wanted to focus on being mentally stable, so I decided to do only what I wanted to do.  That included only going to classes when I wanted to, being on whatever schedule I wanted, and generally avoiding my room-mates and feeling like I had the apartment to myself during the day.

I had no problem doing my dishes, making my own meals, cleaning the bathroom and keeping my room cleaned.  I never had a problem finding anything I wanted.

When I moved in with my husband we were staying in his aunt’s house.  We were supposed to be part-time caregivers for her, and we were doing our yoga teacher training.  Her other caregiver was her mom.  I remember when I first moved in, I was jet-lagged for a few days and had odd hours.  I’d eat something late, too tired to wash my dishes, not knowing where things went, not wanting to wake anyone up… in the morning my dish(es) were done.  I noticed this happening all the time, not just my dishes, but my husband’s, and all day long.

Eventually, my husband’s aunt and mom left the house because his great grandma needed to be cared for.  We suddenly had the house to ourselves.  I quickly realized that the person who was doing all the dishes was his Grandma.  I noticed that he wouldn’t close cabinets, drawers, throw away wrappers, put his dishes in the sink, and just in general, created hurricanes in the bathroom, kitchen and everywhere he went.  This was overwhelming to me.  I grew up trying to be discreet and always trying to clean up after myself and leave no evidence of my existence in shared spaces.

I don’t remember exactly how I first started to deal with this, but it evolved into many different approaches of making it work.  Mostly, with my Leo-of-a-man, I’ve burnt out over and over again, due to his fiery nature.  He doesn’t want to be told what to do, he likes to reject schedules, rules, routines…and I was silly enough to let his preferences burn me out… I’ve always wanted to avoid fighting, but there are some things I’ve learned over the years.

1. Fighting is good.  Learn how to fight fair.  If the person you’re fighting doesn’t fight fair, tell them that and stop the conversation.  Once things have cooled down bring it up again.  If they refuse to tackle it, try another angle, but if it is worth fighting about, don’t give in… don’t let your guard down.

2. If you can get the person to agree with where you’re coming from…or once you get them to a place of mutual agreement on something, work with that.  Find out how they have dealt with similar or equal situations in their past, either in their childhood, alone or with you and find acknowledge and work from the good, in that respect.

3. Research, experiment, plan out changes.  Keep working on changes, check off where you’re doing good and make a record of what you’re doing, what you still want to add, and make sure the person you’re dealing with is well aware of this.  In the case of keeping up a household, a binder with charts, lists, schedules, notes/memos will go a long way.

These are the things I know.  I have seen that putting up little notes and telling him what to do, if it is one big thing or no more than three little things works for his mom and Grandma.  Unfortunately, this has gone on too long and three little tips aren’t enough for 7 years of dealing with the same problem.

I know that I need to establish routines, make him aware of his responsibilities and show him what is done, what needs to be done, what suffers when not taken care of… but I don’t really know how to do this.

I will say there have been times when I was sick and he was doing a fair share of the cleaning, making food, caring for our oldest daughter, so I know he can do these things… but over the time I’ve had this blog, I’ve been continually working on improving my household management skills and I know where my weakest link is.

I’ve looked at a ton of websites and books about this particular topic, but I haven’t seen anything specifically saying how to get the other parent in a household to do their share and how to establish yourself as the household manager, meaning that since one person is more organized, more a natural and more engaged with the household activities, the other person should respect that person’s efforts and follow their lead.

Dear readers, I am desperately asking for your advice, help, links, whatever!  2011 is almost over and I need at least the last month of this year to feel like progress.  Please share anything you think will help me.

–Still dreaming

Related articles

• Chores | Information Center | Education.com (education.com)
• Benefits of Chores with Ages and Stages (creativecleaning.wordpress.com)
• Question of the Week: Dealing with Disappointment? (ohmyachesandpains.info)
• How to see the need for change (penelopetrunk.com)
• Shitty Saturday (mutantsupermodel.com)
• Never too late to say I love you (athenakoh.wordpress.com)

According To Schedules

I don’t feel like life needs to go according to schedules, but I find schedules to be very helpful.

I found a schedule I wrote in June, and I created a weekly schedule of events for my kids and a weekly meal plan.

For my meal plan I wrote down all the food I bought recently at the market and then almost everything else I had.  Then I wrote down 7 other items I wanted to buy during the week.  I bought most of those things yesterday.  I’m planning to go back to the store on Friday only.  Then, I wrote a list of all the different things I wanted to make during the week.  I included sauces, salsas, sides and salads, separately.  It ended up as 22 items.  I numbered them and created a Monday-Saturday grid.  Then I placed the numbers in 3 columns(breakfast, lunch, dinner)  I didn’t plan breakfast or dinner for Saturday, ’cause that’s my market day and I’ll just improvise. This is by far the best and most efficient meal plan I’ve ever made.

For my kids I did the same thing.  My youngest was really easy because there’s only a few activities I felt the need to schedule with her.  Yoga/sensory, Sign language, Spanish/songs, and Elimination Communication.  Everything else happens by default or so naturally its hardly worth writing about.

For my oldest I wrote out 19 categories of activities I wanted her to do throughout the week.  At first it was a little tough because I was getting too exact with my categories, for instance, painting was changed to art.  Then with all the categories, I listed specific activities to choose from.  With crafts, I wrote down the crafts I wanted to do this week and some ideas for next week.  Then I numbered the categories and wrote the numbers out in a grid Monday-Sunday and 5 rows for 5 different sections of the day.  We’re unschooling, so I consider almost everything we do to have some learning value in it.   I also analyzed our day and wrote out 8 specific sections of the day…there are probably a few more I didn’t write out like time to just rest.

I wrote out:

• Wake-up, yoga

• Eat, school (this includes workbooks, handwriting sheets, flash cards and things of that nature)

• Physical activity

• Free play

• Functional play/guided play

• Stories & school

• Yoga/meditation

• Music/tea/bed

I need to write a more detailed schedule for myself, but this is what I wrote in June:

• Organize

• Meditate(15 min.)

• Errands/tasks

• Exercise-dance

• Sunshine/play/walk-2 hrs.

• Yoga

• Write-journal, schedule 15min.

• Work- 1 hr. alone, 15 min. tasks & 1-2 hrs. intermittent

• Clean 15 min. (kids on couch)

• Art/music 15 min. (kids included)

• Marriage night-time and at least bi-weekly alone

The point of putting together a schedule for the kids is so that both parents will know what they need to experience.  It is not important that things are really done exactly the way it is written.  My  next task is to find a way to connect the different schedules.  We’ll see how this all plays out.