Bipolar & Purity Pt. 2

Mind Mapping

Mind Mapping (Photo credit: sirwiseowl)

I’m considered a vata in Ayurvedic medicine.  It is easy for me to leave my body.  So when I started doing yoga, I started growing in my intuitive abilities.  I started feeling intense spiritual awareness during meditations and felt an overwhelming sense of empathic and mind reading abilities.  Once again there was a part of me that felt great about all this, and a part that felt it was shameful.  I was 16 when I really started to connect with this and it took me over 10 years to come to a place of balance with my spiritual practices.  When I was 21 I started a Kundalini Yoga Teacher training.  I saw my bipolar through very new eyes, through the idea of a Kundalini Awakening.

I started to see that many who experience kundalini awakenings may appear to be experiencing mental health issues.  I started to believe that I didn’t have bipolar disorder at all.  I was just having a kundalini awakening.  My teachers didn’t encourage this idea, I didn’t talk to them about it.  Anyway, I felt an exciting challenge on the ideas of purity at this time.  Kundalini Yoga is described as yoga for householders, rather than yoga for devotee, devout, renunciation.   So, it was very easily accessible, a transformational form of yoga with pretty immediate benefits on the mind, body and spirit.

This yoga encouraged me to embrace myself, my ideas and ALL of my experiences.  It encouraged me to see things without analytical eyes.  It encouraged me to see that humanity has the ability to heal and be transformed.  That I had the ability to heal, live without fear of losing my mind, to advance spiritually, to see the unseen and to know and feel my own life’s purpose.  It gave me courage and acceptance of myself and others.  It really threw my evangelist, dogmatic viewpoints out of the water, and released the fear I had of others not like me.   I no longer felt threatened by people who didn’t feel the way I felt.

Purity was peace of mind.  It wasn’t one decision or another.  However, just as I got into Kundalini Yoga I also ventured into another world, the world of raw food nutrition.  This was a movement based on purity.  Creating a pure body with pure foods.  It was a beautiful idea and it really gave me even more hope of not losing my mind.  However, I found it hard to not become obsessed, mainly because everyone else I saw on that path was obsessed with it, including the people I sometimes lived with.   They may have been obsessed with being raw, or being certain brand of raw, or being vegan or not being vegan.

There are so many things to be pure about that it becomes like OCD.  In learning so many new things I became overloaded with information.   I began to feel confused about everything and too emotionally charged to interact with the world.  I couldn’t talk to people who were depraved.  I couldn’t look at them.  I couldn’t forgive myself when I chose depravity over purity.

I felt shameful if I wanted something unpure.  I wanted to be perfect, I wanted the world to look perfect to me, and rejecting what wasn’t perfect and pure was my way of asserting what I felt was purity.

One quote I love is rephrased as such “there is no revolution if anyone is left behind”.  That is a crappy ass mis-quote and not at all what I’m trying to get at.  What I’m trying to get at is this:  We all have our beliefs, what is important to us… we all know there are others who don’t feel the same way, and regardless of rather we admit it, when we have things that don’t mesh with the things of other people we develop a mental response to fight or fly.  In our minds we put up defenses for our beliefs, or we allow them to float away on the breeze when an undercurrent trickles in.   It is not all that easy for many to just represent.  Reflect and relate, rediscover even.

Sometimes we block ourselves from transformations because we are so attached to purity, or we are so attached to the fact that we can’t be pure, or nothing is pure, or depravity is less constricting and less judgy, that we actually nourish a habit of going back and forth between extreme states.  Because it is not possible to dwell only in either or.   So, now that I have discovered my relationship to the two extremes, I found myself experiencing some interesting feelings lately.  I could call them the Summer Blues(since I titled a blog draft as such).

I was getting overwhelmed in my near sleeping state with opposing sides of my life issues.  I told myself to back off the bipolar and settle in the middle.  But don’t just keep still, move with it…flow.  I visualized each energy system(fear, hope, anxiety, insecurity, awareness, acceptance, love, gratitude, judgement, confusion, sadness, passion, longing, humor, I could go on) moving through my energy centers and really integrated something new, dynamic and evolved.  I’m the kind of person who sees everything as connected, so I was dwelling in the fluidity and balance of my work, my living situation, my eating habits, my parenting role, my social life, everything.   The past few weeks(especially this last week) of an almost bipolar episode, or perhaps a very small one, led to something quite amazing.

Since this has been such a great educational experience for me, I will keep sharing more on this discovery I’ve had, I just have to take a break right now.  I’d love to know how you relate to this so feel free to comment, I’m so bipolarly recovered right now that nothing you say can offend, sadden or hurt me.  (I remember when I couldn’t hear anyone else’s opinion of my thoughts or issues, and realizing how far I’ve come is amazing)

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2 thoughts on “Bipolar & Purity Pt. 2

  1. Thank you for this post. I have been feeling a little bit of summer blues too. I used to practice yoga but have gotten away from it. Maybe its time to go back.

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