Where I’ve Been…

Pictogram: use of cellphones is prohibited

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This past week, I’ve been in the past, in the future, I’ve been in the closet, under the covers.  I’ve been sweeping things under the rug, mostly though, I’ve been seriously reevaluating decisions I’ve made, decisions I avoided making and decisions I’m planning to make soon.

I just finished watching the show Misfits on http://www.hulu.com.  The thing that struck me the most about that show was the power to turn back time that one of the main characters had.  I’ve been thinking about things I would have done if I could turn back time, how far back I would go, what kind of effect it would have to change things or keep things exactly the same.  How it would feel to know that “this” has already happened and to still go with it.

It reminds me of de ja vu… a “phenomena” I have experienced a lot in my life.  At one point realized de ja vu, was precognition and really embraced it.  This week my internet has been beyond crappy.  Interestingly enough I had deadlines this week.  I haven’t given myself deadlines in a really long time.  I had forgotten why I guess.  Wherever I live, whenever I have short deadlines my internet mysteriously fails miserably.  I also lost my cellphone for about 2 weeks.  One night in bed I said to myself “nothing is ever lost”.   This was a regular habit of mine, picked up from Doreen Virtue when I read one of her books years ago.

The next morning I woke up, my daughter had lifted one of the couch cushions up and I decided to look for my cellphone there.  Although we’d already looked under the couches, I saw something lodged all the way into the back of the couch.  I couldn’t tell what it was, but it was something shiny.  Before I got close enough to really see any details or be sure there was a sheen, I knew it was my cellphone.  Of course I pulled it out and it was there.

Recently I wrote a blog that I can’t find about the drug culture and addictive nature of our modern society.  I’d tried so many times to post blogs this week but my internet wouldn’t have it, and some of my drafts I couldn’t even find.  Anyway this blog in particular is something I’ve been working on almost all summer.  I quit smoking, drinking, consuming stimulants of any sort, but I live surrounded by people taking mild and hard drugs.  I find it conflicting, but most of all, I find it ironic that it is so easy to get drugs, to get support for being a drug user, but it is very difficult to get support for doing honorable, healthy things with your life.

As a parent, I want very much to create a tribe for my children, for myself, for other parents and children.  I have a communal spirit and I would love to take part in a village/tribal community.  Intentional community has been my goal since I understood what that was.  Long before I had children.  I find though, that mainstream society is not family-friendly or child-friendly.  I find that being a parent is one of the hardest jobs there is and it is beyond difficult to get support in that very honorable work.

Recently, I was suddenly showered with support from those around me.  Of course I am a topic of gossip.  People have been saying lots of things behind my back and I was wondering if anyone cared or noticed at all how difficult this has been for me.  Recently so many people have told me I am strong, I am brave, I am balanced, smart, a good parent, etc.  On some level I already knew these things, but hearing them from strangers(practically) has been really beneficial to me.

Have you ever had something you wanted to write up, talk about, bring up, but you didn’t know how.  Have you ever had something brought to you by people you wouldn’t expect to care?  Have you ever been effected by the way people view you in a surprising but positive way?

I’m a little overwhelmed by this show of support from my neighbors and I’m trying to get a handle on how to proceed.  I’ve been increasingly isolated over the last few months and this has meant a lot to me.  I’m really trying to re-establish a social circle and I’d love to hear any comments or any way in which you out there, can relate to what I’m writing.

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2 thoughts on “Where I’ve Been…

  1. I can relate to the first question you asked. I don’t know how to articulate certain things I want to say because of the placement of words. I’ve been listening to this communication audio cd for several weeks so I can be able to. I could appreciate something surprising but positive because it gives me a new way to look at myself. It may get me thinking and may lead somewhere.

  2. Yeah, sometimes the things we don’t say, the things we never hear said, the things we haven’t considered that other people might be concerned with, might be the things we should speak most about. Or at least be prepared to speak about, or listen to others speak about. I used to be a sort of rebel, never doing small talk and always talking about the controversial topics…now I guess I’m finding a balance and also allowing myself to be open to different conversations from others, when I used to guard myself and deflect a lot of conversation with my body language and facial expressions. It has definitely given me a new way to look at myself and my situation and things have really seemed to change around me since this surprise took place.

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