A Dashboard Confessional: Where I Am Now

Put simply, I’m a dreamer. In many senses of the word I take dreams seriously. The dreams I have at night and the dreams that never go away. The ones worth living for.  On days like these I fasten myself to my dreams and hold on tight.

One of the first similarities my husband and I had was our loathing of popular for no particular reason bands. As I sit here in my trailer, near where the dashboard would be, if it had a dashboard, I think of how we traded our insults of the band Dashboard Confessionals.  I remember many dashboard confessionals between us and this blog is equipped with the perfect little dashboard for me to confess like I haven’t in a long time.

My husband has taken our girls outside.  I’m sitting in our trailer finally getting to the point I’ve been trying to get at for weeks.  The point of transparency.  I’m making myself ramen noodles(I don’t use the packets), since I haven’t really eaten all day.  I had no appetite for anything other than being with my dreams today.  I sat this morning and wrote out things about myself and my life that define my experience.  Things I want to write about, things I want to help people with, things I want to share and explore with others who have similar experiences.

fresh ramen noodle (ラーメンの生麺)

Image via Wikipedia

That was my work for today.  Since that early morning experience, I’ve been sitting here reading about people who are living their dreams, and thinking about what I want for myself and where I am now.  I felt a few weeks ago that I reached a turning point with this blog.  I felt that I really needed to sit down and write out the things that I’m going through in my life.  Not my budget, or my meal plans, but my struggles.  Recently I had some tough struggles that forced me to ask advice on webforums that I frequent.

It was hard for me to have that information out there, so I went and deleted the links to my blogs from my profiles and signatures on all the webforums I frequent.  Today I sat and honestly admitted to myself some things about my life that bother me, and suddenly I realized I have the chance to do that here in one post, rather than little sentences here and there over the next month.

Things About My Life:

  • I’m on food stamps
  • I’m essentially unemployed (working on self-employment)
  • I live in a small parking space (working on that)
  • My neighborhood is full of drugs
  • I have no working transportation (and haven’t for awhile, getting my bike fixed soon, though)

Things About Myself:

  • I don’t really have in-person friends
  • I don’t really leave my neighborhood, ever (the grocery store, flea market, pool and thrift stores are all in close walking distance)
  • I have so many ideas I don’t know what to do with them I know exactly what to do with my ideas, I just haven’t gotten there yet
  • I don’t have childcare or much time at all without my kids (working on that)
  • I loathe grocery stores
  • I’m struggling to support my husband as he struggles with mental & physical health issues
  • I lose my cellphone like crazy
  • I have too much self-doubt
  • I have a history of eating and mental health issues(I have gluten sensitivies, but here I am eating ramen)

Mostly though, I have this feeling that it is finally time for me to do what I really want to do with my life.  Sometimes I say I don’t know what that is because maybe I’m too self-conscious to admit that I know exactly what I want to do and it seems a little daunting.  It seems very unconventional and somewhat impossible.  But I’ve seen the many different ways of making it work, and something tells me it is more than possible.  Maybe definitely it is the voices of people around me telling me what I want to do can’t be done.  In fact, I’m a very practical person.  It has kinda gotten in the way of my intuitive side.  Actually, now that I think about it, I think it blocked my intuitive side for many years.  I have seen others successful, I’m well researched, well planned and committed.  So what is stopping me?

Well, I’ve tried this before.  Before I took one path, on the road I was on at that time and I was unprepared for all that came along with it.  I had my feelings hurt by people I trusted.  I had my life crumble around me.  It severely broke my confidence.  Changed my relationships and brought me physical pain for over a year.

I avoid conflict.  Or I try to.  I stand up for what I believe in, but not as much as I could or probably should.  I let people know my stance, or I give them a glance of how I feel about a situation, but I’m not advocating for myself the way I would a friend, a stranger, or anyone else in my position.

I get stuck on the little things.  I get stuck in theories and philosophies.  I give audience to too many ‘what ifs’.  I’ve been trying to do this as cheaply as possible.  I need to invest some money and put money aside.  Luckily for me, I’ve stumbled across some great resources, really powerful books(Coaching The Artist Within by Eric Maisel and others by the same author) and I am determined, and finally in a good place to change these things around.  This is my confession… I’m great at helping people, but not without helping myself first.

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4 thoughts on “A Dashboard Confessional: Where I Am Now

  1. I applaud you. You are a brave person to admit such personal things. I know you don’t need my sympathy because you are a strong person but this touch me. That last line said it all. Being selfish is under-rated. Take care of you first!

  2. It has been very tough for me to learn how to be selfish, I’m generally easy to please and content in most situations, for these reasons I’ve taken on a lot of issues for other people and help people get through their problems, but in some cases, I certainly need to make sure to care for myself and I’m getting really good at this now. I certainly don’t need sympathy, but I appreciate the comment!

  3. Besides the “like” button, leaving a comment is the only I could let you know I’ve read. I didn’t mean to have a sympathetic tone in my comment. That just was on my mind as I was writing. Noticed you changed your theme. Good selection. This is one of my favorites.

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